Post by the Scribe on Mar 10, 2020 10:35:46 GMT
REPUBLICAN TALKING POINTS
The script provided for every Republican to use in a never ending election year and the actual truth.
1.
Abortion- Pro-Life
-War Cry- “Life starts at conception whether it’s a drunken sweatfest, with the one you love (or forgot to pull out with), a random stranger, or that Republican racist-Christian Father or family member. America is the greatest nation in the history of everything. Praise Jesus”
-Truth- “If they kill that kid who are we gonna fuck over later? And 23% of our base are inbred, we need those votes.”
2.
Capitol Punishment- Pro-Death
-War Cry- “It’s only right that someone that takes a life should have their life taken. No Christian would ever condone the murder/death of another human being. America is the greatest nation in the history of everything. Praise Jesus”
-Truth- “If we could tape this shit and sell it on pay per view, we would cash the fuck in. Let’s start an exploratory committee.”
3.
Gun Control- Pro-Murder
-War Cry- “They wanna take your guns so you can’t defend your liberties. America is the greatest nation in the history of everything. Praise Jesus”
-Truth- “We need to keep the south in our pocket. So scare those crazy slack jawed fuck-tards into voting for you or we’ll find a replacement for you.”
4.
Capital Punishment- Pro-Non-Regulation
-War Cry- “These companies know what they’re doing and have proven time and time again to have a moral and ethical standard in all they do, just let them do it and don’t ask questions. America is the greatest nation in the history of everything. Praise Jesus”
-Truth- “The more regulatory commissions the less money for Daddy. Less money for Daddy makes Daddy a mad man. And you know what happens when Daddy gets mad. There’s plenty of air out there and what harm has tainted water really done to anyone. Buy bottled and shut the fuck up.”
5.
Gay Marriage- Pro-Breeder
-War Cry- “It is an abomination. Jesus hates faggs, democrats hate America. America is the greatest nation in the history of everything. Praise Jesus”
-Truth- “You wanna get a hummer from a dude in an airport bathroom? Cool. You wanna get a dude and have a crazy weekend? Fine. You wanna fuck an altar boy in a confessional? Whatevs! That’s not “gay” especially when we do it. Just don’t think for a fucking second you can walk in that same church, have a right to see your sick significant other, get a tax break, or otherwise you fucking queer.”
6.
Global Warming- Anti-Fact
-War Cry- “The science is flawed. Who are you gonna believe me or a scientist? America is the greatest nation in the history of everything. Praise Jesus”
-Truth- “Stick to the script we paid those guys a lot of money to fuck with those figures and ask for more funding.”
7.
Constitution Rape- Pro-Pandering
-War Cry- “The founders of this country laid the ground work America… the greatest nation on the planet in the history of everything. Democrats have been giving it a golden shower for decades. They hate America, they hate you, they’re not only gonna rape you, impregnate you with their propaganda and then they’re gonna abort it.”
-Truth- “It’s not rape when we do it.”
8.
Regulation of Government- Less Government = More paid time off/”bonuses”
-War Cry- “The government is over reaching it’s authority and needs to be stopped. The FDA, EPA, etc. are socialists obsessed with their own self interests as human beings not Americans. America is the greatest nation in the history of everything. Praise Jesus”
-Truth- “The more regulatory commissions the less money for Daddy. Less money for Daddy makes Daddy a mad man. You know what happens when Daddy gets mad. There’s plenty of air out there and what harm has tainted water really done to anyone. Buy bottled and shut the fuck up.”
9.
Economics/Job Creation- Pro-“Creationism”
-War Cry- “Trickle down economics works. The rich are the job creators and they need incentive to create jobs. Flat tax. America is the greatest nation in the history of everything. Praise Jesus”
-Truth- Keywords to use, Ronald Reagan
10.
Super PAC’s/Corporations- You have the 1st Amendment speak louder money’s microphone drowns you out.
-War Cry- “Money talks and a Corporation’s voice box is sponsored by it. America is the greatest nation in the history of everything. Praise Jesus”
-Truth- “Look you know the public’s stupid, I know the public’s stupid, and corporations know the public is stupid. So just let them keep the blinders on as long as possible, cash that check, and just give hints in your speech. They’ll take care of the rest.
11.
Health Care- Survival of the rich
-War Cry- “The government has no business involving itself in the health care of Americans. America is the greatest nation in the history of everything. Praise Jesus”
-Truth- “I’ve got two summer homes, 8 cars, an off-shore account, and 4 lobby groups to think of. We’ve got government funded health care just shut the fuck up and go with it.
12.
Barack Obama- Pro-Merika
-War Cry- “He is a tyrant, Muslim, socialist, elitist minded hate monger, with ties to terrorists, he wasn’t born in America and doesn’t follow the teachings of Jesus like us. We don't have to respect him and he should respect us for it. America is the greatest nation in the history of everything. Praise Jesus”
-Truth- We can’t go on record calling him a (look over shoulders) “niggar” (look over shoulders) so just call him everything else.
13.
Voting in America- Pro-ID (if you can’t afford one)
-War Cry- “Voter fraud is more of a threat than “climate change” these steps will not hinder the process they will only insure every Americans voice is heard. America is the greatest nation in the history of everything. Praise Jesus”
-Truth- The actual statistic is .0009% just don’t tell anybody it used to .0004% so just say it’s on the raise at an alarming rate. Alarming in the fact that we would bring it up but alarming nonetheless.
14.
Raising the debt ceiling- Pro Have you seen these bills?!
-War Cry- “It is un-American and irresponsible to raise the debt ceiling any further. Sure if we don’t raise it the interest rates will raise and our credit rating drops, but let’s not forget Barack Obama is the President now not George W. Bush. This guy can’t keep pushing all his screw up’s on the previous President (note do not refer to the previous President by name the more ambiguous the better). America is the greatest nation in the history of everything. Praise Jesus”
-Truth- Just go with it until we take back the office and don’t bring it up again. If anybody brings up Bush, change the subject to one of the above talking points.
15.
Separation of Church & State- Pro-Hypocrisy
-War Cry- “America from it’s inception was, is and will always be a Christian Nation. America is the greatest nation in the history of everything. Praise Jesus”
-Truth- What do you mean read the Constitution?
www.funnyordie.com/lists/2c750f42a1/republican-talking-points