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Use These 10 Phrases to Disarm a Narcissist
www.verywellmind.com/10-phrases-to-disarm-a-narcissist-7693217
By Sanjana Gupta Published on August 23, 2023
Medically reviewed by Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD
Sabrina Romanoff
Medically reviewed by Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD
Dr. Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, is a licensed clinical psychologist and a professor at Yeshiva University’s clinical psychology doctoral program.
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Two female transgender friends talking, candid portrait of friends having conversation
Johnny Greig / Getty Images
Interacting with a narcissist can leave you feeling confused, frustrated, angry, upset, and used.1 Whether it’s a friend, family member, colleague, or neighbor, dealing with them can be difficult and leave you drained.
www.verywellmind.com/how-to-recognize-when-you-re-being-used-5207959
In fact, research shows us that the key traits of narcissism, i.e., self-centeredness and lack of empathy for others, can often hinder pleasant interactions with narcissists.2
www.verywellmind.com/types-of-narcissism-and-how-to-spot-them-7255438
Experts in This Article
Aimee Daramus, PsyD, a clinical psychologist at Clarity Clinic, Chicago
www.claritychi.com/provider/aimee-daramus/
Alana Carvalho, LMHC, a licensed mental health counselor
www.alanacarvalho.com/
Read ahead for expert tips on how to respond to a narcissist. The experts also shared some phrases that can help you disarm a narcissist in a conversation or argument.
How to Respond to a Narcissist
These are some strategies that can help you respond to a narcissist.
Stay Calm and Composed
Narcissists often try to provoke emotional reactions to gain a sense of control over others. They may resort to manipulation, lies, or personal attacks to get a rise out of you.
www.verywellmind.com/manipulation-in-marriage-2302245
Though it can be difficult in the moment, try your best to stay calm and composed when you’re dealing with them, to avoid giving them control over you.
Keep Your Responses Brief
When you interact with a narcissist, Carvalho recommends keeping your explanations as short and to the point as possible.
Narcissists also tend to use whatever information you provide to gaslight you by confusing you and making you feel crazy, says Carvalho, so responding briefly is best.
www.verywellmind.com/is-someone-gaslighting-you-4147470
Set Boundaries and Stick to Them
Narcissists tend to have excessive expectations from you, whether it‘s regarding your work, your appearance, or something else, says Dr. Daramus. You may find yourself struggling to meet their expectations and needing to set boundaries in order to protect yourself.
Get Them to Commit to Things in Writing
Narcissists may try to gaslight you by twisting your words, denying something they said, or flat out lying to you.3 They can change your sense of what’s real, so slowly over time that you don’t even realize it’s happening, says Dr. Daramus.
www.verywellmind.com/gaslighting-examples-7567491
It can be helpful to get things in writing so you have proof of the truth. “Try to get them to text or email you their expectations and ideas, so that if they try to claim they said something different later on, you have it in their own words,” says Dr. Daramus.
For instance, Dr. Daramus recommends saying:
“Text me the time and place so we don’t have any mix-ups.”
“Since there’s been some miscommunication about my deliverables, please email me your requirements.”
“Since I’m helping cover for people on vacation, I won’t be able to do everything. Please email me your priorities.”
Remember That Their Behavior Isn’t Your Fault
Narcissists can be vicious, and their anger or rejection is going to be out of proportion to anything you‘ve done, says Dr. Daramus.
www.verywellmind.com/what-is-narcissistic-rage-5183744
Before you blame yourself, Dr. Daramus recommends putting things in perspective, by thinking about what a reasonable person would do in the same situation and comparing it to the narcissist’s reaction. This exercise can help you see how unreasonable and difficult they’re being.
Can a Narcissist Change?
www.verywellmind.com/can-a-narcissist-change-7567893
10 Things to Say to Disarm a Narcissist
If you find yourself in an argument or confrontation with a narcissist, Carvalho suggests some phrases that can help you disarm them. She also explains how each of these phrases can help you diffuse the situation and disengage from it.
That doesn’t work for me.
Narcissists may try to make decisions for you without consulting you. It’s important to speak up for yourself and let them know if you’re not OK with what they’ve decided.
I can understand how you feel, but I feel differently.
You don’t need to try to prove who is right or wrong. You can feel and see a situation differently and that’s fine. Trying to prove your point will give them more ammunition to use against you.
I don’t see myself that way.
Often, narcissists will try to make themselves feel better by making you feel negatively about yourself.4 It's important that you stay strong in what you believe is true.
I remember it differently.
This is especially important when you’re being told by a narcissist that you might be imagining something or that it never happened. Let them know that you remember what really happened so they can’t manipulate events. Don't let them make you doubt yourself.
I will only have a conversation with you about this if you’re willing to listen and try to understand my perspective.
Setting boundaries for the conversation upfront can help ensure that the conversation is more respectful. Otherwise, you don’t have to discuss that particular subject with them.
I’m not going to explain why this is important to me but it is.
Sometimes, we need to put a boundary in place with a narcissist but we have to be mindful that when we explain why, it gives them an opportunity to manipulate or gaslight us. In such situations, you can uphold what’s important to you without giving big explanations.
I’m not willing to talk about that.
If a narcissist brings up a subject that they know you don’t want to talk about, it’s important to assert that you’re not willing to engage with them. You don’t have to justify your reasons for not wanting to discuss it.
If you continue to speak to me like that, I will walk away.
If the conversation is becoming toxic, you need to make it clear that you will not tolerate their disrespect. State your boundaries clearly but firmly.
www.verywellmind.com/toxic-relationships-4174665
I’m going to step away from this conversation.
It’s important to stick to your boundaries. Realize when you need to disengage and step away to get clarity.
Thank you for inviting me, but I’m not available.
If you want to sever contact with the narcissist, politely but firmly let them know that you’re not available or interested.
17 Signs You're in a Narcissistic Marriage or Relationship
www.verywellmind.com/signs-you-re-married-to-a-narcissist-5208165
Seek Help If You Need It
If you’re struggling to deal with a narcissist, it can be helpful to reach out to friends, family members, or a mental health professional for support. They can offer emotional validation, help you maintain your sense of reality, and support you while you set boundaries to protect yourself.
www.verywellmind.com/living-with-a-narcissist-tips-for-how-to-cope-5211902
Narcissistic behavior can often cross the line and turn into abuse. If you live with a narcissistic abuser, there are resources that can help.
www.verywellmind.com/effects-of-narcissistic-abuse-5208164
Verywell Loved: Unpacking What Is—and Isn't—Narcissism in a Relationship
4 Sources
www.verywellmind.com/verywell-loved-unpacking-narcissism-what-it-is-and-what-it-isn-t-5217165
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By Sanjana Gupta
Sanjana is a health writer and editor. Her work spans various health-related topics, including mental health, fitness, nutrition, and wellness.
www.verywellmind.com/sanjana-gupta-5188040
Use These 10 Phrases to Disarm a Narcissist
www.verywellmind.com/10-phrases-to-disarm-a-narcissist-7693217
By Sanjana Gupta Published on August 23, 2023
Medically reviewed by Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD
Sabrina Romanoff
Medically reviewed by Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD
Dr. Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, is a licensed clinical psychologist and a professor at Yeshiva University’s clinical psychology doctoral program.
Two female transgender friends talking, candid portrait of friends having conversation
Johnny Greig / Getty Images
Table of Contents
How to Respond to a Narcissist
10 Things to Say to Disarm a Narcissist
Seek Help If You Need It
How to Respond to a Narcissist
10 Things to Say to Disarm a Narcissist
Seek Help If You Need It
www.verywellmind.com/how-to-recognize-when-you-re-being-used-5207959
In fact, research shows us that the key traits of narcissism, i.e., self-centeredness and lack of empathy for others, can often hinder pleasant interactions with narcissists.2
www.verywellmind.com/types-of-narcissism-and-how-to-spot-them-7255438
Experts in This Article
Aimee Daramus, PsyD, a clinical psychologist at Clarity Clinic, Chicago
www.claritychi.com/provider/aimee-daramus/
Alana Carvalho, LMHC, a licensed mental health counselor
www.alanacarvalho.com/
Read ahead for expert tips on how to respond to a narcissist. The experts also shared some phrases that can help you disarm a narcissist in a conversation or argument.
TL;DR
When confronting a narcissist, it's important to remain assertive and confident, so they can't manipulate or gaslight you.
Getting things in writing, keeping your responses brief, and stating your boundaries can be effective in disarming a narcissist.
If the narcissist is showing signs of abusive behavior, it's important that you seek help immediately rather than attempting to confront them—your safety is of utmost importance.
When confronting a narcissist, it's important to remain assertive and confident, so they can't manipulate or gaslight you.
Getting things in writing, keeping your responses brief, and stating your boundaries can be effective in disarming a narcissist.
If the narcissist is showing signs of abusive behavior, it's important that you seek help immediately rather than attempting to confront them—your safety is of utmost importance.
These are some strategies that can help you respond to a narcissist.
Stay Calm and Composed
Narcissists often try to provoke emotional reactions to gain a sense of control over others. They may resort to manipulation, lies, or personal attacks to get a rise out of you.
www.verywellmind.com/manipulation-in-marriage-2302245
Though it can be difficult in the moment, try your best to stay calm and composed when you’re dealing with them, to avoid giving them control over you.
Keep Your Responses Brief
When you interact with a narcissist, Carvalho recommends keeping your explanations as short and to the point as possible.
When it comes to dealing with a narcissist, less is more. The less you give, the less they will have to use to manipulate you. The more information you provide, the more likely you are to get into a back-and-forth with them.
— ALANA CARVALHO, LMHC
— ALANA CARVALHO, LMHC
www.verywellmind.com/is-someone-gaslighting-you-4147470
Set Boundaries and Stick to Them
Narcissists tend to have excessive expectations from you, whether it‘s regarding your work, your appearance, or something else, says Dr. Daramus. You may find yourself struggling to meet their expectations and needing to set boundaries in order to protect yourself.
Dr. Daramus recommends thinking through the boundaries you want to set with them—based on what’s realistic for you—and writing them down, so you can refer to your notes and stand your ground when the narcissist is trying to bully or manipulate you.
www.verywellmind.com/setting-boundaries-for-stress-management-3144985
www.verywellmind.com/setting-boundaries-for-stress-management-3144985
Narcissists may try to gaslight you by twisting your words, denying something they said, or flat out lying to you.3 They can change your sense of what’s real, so slowly over time that you don’t even realize it’s happening, says Dr. Daramus.
www.verywellmind.com/gaslighting-examples-7567491
It can be helpful to get things in writing so you have proof of the truth. “Try to get them to text or email you their expectations and ideas, so that if they try to claim they said something different later on, you have it in their own words,” says Dr. Daramus.
For instance, Dr. Daramus recommends saying:
“Text me the time and place so we don’t have any mix-ups.”
“Since there’s been some miscommunication about my deliverables, please email me your requirements.”
“Since I’m helping cover for people on vacation, I won’t be able to do everything. Please email me your priorities.”
Remember That Their Behavior Isn’t Your Fault
Narcissists can be vicious, and their anger or rejection is going to be out of proportion to anything you‘ve done, says Dr. Daramus.
www.verywellmind.com/what-is-narcissistic-rage-5183744
Remember that none of their behavior is your fault, even if you’ve made some kind of mistake.
— AIMEE DARAMUS, PSYD
— AIMEE DARAMUS, PSYD
Can a Narcissist Change?
www.verywellmind.com/can-a-narcissist-change-7567893
10 Things to Say to Disarm a Narcissist
If you find yourself in an argument or confrontation with a narcissist, Carvalho suggests some phrases that can help you disarm them. She also explains how each of these phrases can help you diffuse the situation and disengage from it.
That doesn’t work for me.
Narcissists may try to make decisions for you without consulting you. It’s important to speak up for yourself and let them know if you’re not OK with what they’ve decided.
I can understand how you feel, but I feel differently.
You don’t need to try to prove who is right or wrong. You can feel and see a situation differently and that’s fine. Trying to prove your point will give them more ammunition to use against you.
I don’t see myself that way.
Often, narcissists will try to make themselves feel better by making you feel negatively about yourself.4 It's important that you stay strong in what you believe is true.
I remember it differently.
This is especially important when you’re being told by a narcissist that you might be imagining something or that it never happened. Let them know that you remember what really happened so they can’t manipulate events. Don't let them make you doubt yourself.
I will only have a conversation with you about this if you’re willing to listen and try to understand my perspective.
Setting boundaries for the conversation upfront can help ensure that the conversation is more respectful. Otherwise, you don’t have to discuss that particular subject with them.
I’m not going to explain why this is important to me but it is.
Sometimes, we need to put a boundary in place with a narcissist but we have to be mindful that when we explain why, it gives them an opportunity to manipulate or gaslight us. In such situations, you can uphold what’s important to you without giving big explanations.
I’m not willing to talk about that.
If a narcissist brings up a subject that they know you don’t want to talk about, it’s important to assert that you’re not willing to engage with them. You don’t have to justify your reasons for not wanting to discuss it.
If you continue to speak to me like that, I will walk away.
If the conversation is becoming toxic, you need to make it clear that you will not tolerate their disrespect. State your boundaries clearly but firmly.
www.verywellmind.com/toxic-relationships-4174665
I’m going to step away from this conversation.
It’s important to stick to your boundaries. Realize when you need to disengage and step away to get clarity.
Thank you for inviting me, but I’m not available.
If you want to sever contact with the narcissist, politely but firmly let them know that you’re not available or interested.
17 Signs You're in a Narcissistic Marriage or Relationship
www.verywellmind.com/signs-you-re-married-to-a-narcissist-5208165
Seek Help If You Need It
If you’re struggling to deal with a narcissist, it can be helpful to reach out to friends, family members, or a mental health professional for support. They can offer emotional validation, help you maintain your sense of reality, and support you while you set boundaries to protect yourself.
www.verywellmind.com/living-with-a-narcissist-tips-for-how-to-cope-5211902
Narcissistic behavior can often cross the line and turn into abuse. If you live with a narcissistic abuser, there are resources that can help.
www.verywellmind.com/effects-of-narcissistic-abuse-5208164
If you or a loved one are a victim of domestic abuse, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for confidential assistance from trained advocates. If you are in immediate danger, call 911.
www.thehotline.org/
For more mental health resources, see our National Helpline Database.
www.verywellmind.com/national-helpline-database-4799696
www.thehotline.org/
For more mental health resources, see our National Helpline Database.
www.verywellmind.com/national-helpline-database-4799696
4 Sources
www.verywellmind.com/verywell-loved-unpacking-narcissism-what-it-is-and-what-it-isn-t-5217165
By Sanjana Gupta
Sanjana is a health writer and editor. Her work spans various health-related topics, including mental health, fitness, nutrition, and wellness.
www.verywellmind.com/sanjana-gupta-5188040